In the Christian world today, one of the main struggles people are faced with is the issue of singleness. A lot of us find it hard to see the good in being single. We’re constantly bombarded with married couples, pastors and church leaders telling us how lucky we are to be single, how difficult marriage can be and to make the most of this season. The grass is always greener on the other side, I guess.
But the truth is, in this day and age a lot of singles are frustrated. It’s not easy being single, especially when you have a strong desire to be in a relationship. It’s especially harder for those who have been single for a long time. It can begin to feel like there’s no end in sight. Leading many to question whether they will ever be married and if being a husband/wife is even in God’s plan for their lives and, to face the reality that marriage may not be in their future can be devastating.
Why is the idea of being alone so upsetting?
From a young age we’ve been inundated with images of romance. Take fairy tales for example, how do they all end? The couple get married and live happily ever after. Movies, music and television shows, everything centres around being in love. This message has naturally been ingrained in our minds, and has left many of us believing that marriage is the end goal. We spend most our lives looking for “the one", our soul-mate. Marriage has been put on such a pedestal, that when you tell people that you are single their responses are always almost out of pity, “It’ll happen for you soon” or “I’m believing God for your life”. It’s because of this idolisation of marriage that so many singles are frustrated.
But, as Christians we need to learn to have a renewed view of singleness and marriage. Instead of looking at the season of singleness as one to rush through, should we maybe consider it a gift, to treasure? A season from God that produces growth? A time for you to get know God on a personal level?
How should we view singleness?
A lot of singles are so concerned about finding a husband or a wife, that their interests become divided and they lose sight of God. Sometimes God wants to call you, but you are so distracted that you can’t hear him. Don’t let your frustration with singleness get in the way of God’s purpose for your life. If we choose to, singleness allows us to give undivided devotion to the Lord. Just as marriage done well, gives glory to God, singleness done well also gives glory to God.
“I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs and how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world and how he can please his wife and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs. Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world and how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way, in undivided devotion to the Lord.”
1 Corinthians 7:32-35
Instead of longing for a partner, as single Christians we should be seeking God and soaking up as much wisdom as we can, to maximise our singleness. The truth is, singleness is a season that should be enjoyed. A time of freedom, without being bound to the responsibilities of having a spouse. Singles shouldn’t miss out on the benefits of being single, because they’re aching for marriage.
Don’t get me wrong, desiring marriage and relationships is a good thing. It only becomes a problem when you’re looking for a relationship to the fill a gap that only God can. Many live under the false pretence that having a partner will fix their issues of lust, discomfort and loneliness. That when they finally get married that they’ll no longer struggle with these things. But that simply is not the case. If we don’t get these issues under control while we’re single, then they’ll only manifest themselves further when we’re married.
Although, it is true, we were not created to be alone. In the beginning God created man and, the first time he called his creation “not good” was when he realised that Adam was alone. God established that it’s not good for man to be alone. So, he created Eve.
"It is not good that man should be alone; I will make a helper comparable to him."
Genesis 2:18
He created for Adam a helper, a companion, someone to do life with. We all have a natural desire to share our lives with people, to build relationships, to give love and to be loved. This is a godly desire. But notice that God only brought Eve to Adam when they were both ready. What was most important is that Eve and Adam knew God alone before they knew each other, and when it was time, God brought her to Adam. When the time is right God will direct you to your husband or wife.
Until then you need to allow God to be your husband [Isaiah 54:5]. God is your covering and your spouse, and will be even after you find your partner.
Yes, we were created for relationships, but relationships come in all forms. Being single is a great time to nourish the other relationships you have around you. Spend more time with friends and family and even create new friendships with others.
However, human relationships though necessary, important and significant; are not a one-stop cure of loneliness. To befriend and to marry are wonderful things, but these are not our ultimate goal in life. To experience real joy and contentment is to have an intimate and enriching relationship with Jesus Christ, whether married or single. Author David Hollinger writes that “the chief end of man” is not to marry or to befriend others but “to glorify God, and enjoy him forever”. If we only seek marriage or relationships as cure for our personal struggles, then we will be terribly unfulfilled.
Your pursuit of marriage should really be to glorify God. A husband should be willing to give himself up for his wife, the way Christ did for the church [Ephesians 5:25]. A wife should be willing to be her husband’s helper and submit to him as he submits the Lord. Marriage as a whole is a reflection of how Christ loves us, so you shouldn’t pursue it because of your issues. Just because you’re lonely, or you’re struggling with lust, these aren’t reasons to seek a spouse. A lack of self-control as a single, means a lack of self-control in marriage.
How do we enjoy being single?
Though God created marriage and it’s a beautiful thing, we as a people have put too much of an emphasis on it. When we look at the bible and the teachings of Jesus, we see that marriage will not follow us into eternity. The fact that it is absent from heaven communicates that no relationship can measure up to the beauty of intimacy with God. So, don’t look at your singleness as a temporary state before marriage, rather enjoy this seasonal gift. Trust that God with his infinite wisdom and abounding love for us, will shape our lives in accordance to his will.
As a single myself, I’d be lying if I said that I had never desired to be in a relationship. I’d even go as far as to say that I idolised it at one point. I can understand how it feels to watch your friends date and marry, whilst you wait and wonder if that day will ever come for you. It can definitely be a struggle, and I can empathise with people who are in this season. But with most difficult seasons in life, the answer is always to seek the face of God. To pray, read and meditate on the word. Spend as much time with Jesus as you can, because through this your mind will be renewed. God will help you see the good in your single season, because there is good to be found.
Being single and being married have its fair share of difficulties. Singleness isn’t always lifelong and, though it’s something we should enjoy it doesn’t mean it’s always going to be easy. And marriage though a wonderful and beautiful creation, also has its trials. Both are amazing gifts from God, but don’t diminish the goodness of one by obsessing over the other.